Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness....

Here goes nothing.

I have been battling with major clinical depression for over a year now. I have gone the medication regimens, counselling, and group therapy.

I know, other people have dealt with worse depression, had it longer, have a harder time dealing with it. But you know what? This is what I have to do for me. That is just one of the things I have learned in this journey of mine. Sometimes I have to forget about everybody else's problems and just worry about myself. So this is me, taking care of myself.

This is me, taking my first steps on my journey to personal truth.

I served my country loyally for 7 years. Again, I know, others have served longer, gone through worse, but  I AM NOT THEM! (Something I have to remind myself of regularly)

I'm not whining.

I'm not diminishing their sacrifices.

I have to give myself credit for my sacrifice, my service, my belief in myself.

After serving my country for 7 years it came to a point where I could do one of two things. I could 1) let them kick me out because of a physical injury, or 2) Ask for my release and beat them to the punch. I chose the second option. I don't regret it, much.

Do I wish I could have stayed? Yes.

I didn't know it then, but I would be still be mourning the loss of my military career over 5 years later. That mourning is one of the major causes of my depression. Combined with a combination of guilt, regret, and feelings of worthlessness I have a hard time functioning on the days when I am forced to think about my time serving my country.

Where does all of this fit in with a journey to personal truth? I don't know yet, I just know that it is such a big part of my life that it has to fit in somewhere.

What is personal truth? For me it is learning to be who I am, who I want to be, who I am NOT, and how all of that fits together.

I have been reading Single Dad Laughing for over a year now. His blog has helped me through some of my tough times. His recent journey in self truth (my words, not his) struck a chord with me. I didn't realise how un-true I was being to myself in so many ways.

No two journeys to truth are exactly the same. They are as different as the people having them.

I have met some amazing people on my journey so far and I hope that I meet more. This is a BIG step for me. There was a time when I hated meeting people. When I couldn't face the thought of going out and actually talking to someone, heck I hating phoning the doctor's office to make an appointment because it meant dealing with people other than myself. Everybody else was happy when I was miserable (or so it seemed to me), so why should I force my miserable mood on them?

I was taught not to force my company on those who don't want it. This isn't so bad on the whole, but for me it turned into this huge misconception of people's reactions to me. I would join a group talking at a party and that group would suddenly break up (from my point of view). I saw it as rejection, they didn't want my company. So I just gave up after a while.

This is me, not giving up any more.